


Mycroft Reviews BBC Sherlock

by captainofthegreenpeas



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Cheesy, Comedy, Drabble, Gen, Metafiction, Pastiche, Spoof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:15:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25610419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainofthegreenpeas/pseuds/captainofthegreenpeas
Summary: The real Mycroft Holmes watches and comments on episodes of BBC Sherlock, the dramatization of Dr Watson's famous blog. Inspired by Mark Gatiss' 2020 youku advert.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 17





	Mycroft Reviews BBC Sherlock

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cocohorse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cocohorse/gifts).



> i know i know this is a very mid noughties/early 2010s idea, but i loved Mark Gatiss' youku ad too much not to play around with it.

"As I informed Messrs Moffat, Gatiss and Thompson, the relationship between my brother and myself is akin to that between a judge and counsel for the prosecution. we are beings of pure logic, our meetings are more like a negotiation, a summit, a conference of two solemn parties. Naturally they represented this visually in _The Sign of Three_ , but they grossly exaggerated tensions and resentments in our serene yet undramatic cooperation."

* * *

_"I am the closest thing to a friend Sherlock Holmes is capable of having."_

_"What's that?"_

_"An enemy."_

"If the goldfish were paying any attention in this scene they would deduce that I was being flippant from the way I examined the tip of my umbrella. The folds in my trousers clearly reveal that I am not of a sadistic temperament- or at least they should reveal that obvious fact of my character to the audience. I would otherwise be wary of too many deductions when watching _television_ \- the deductions can reveal more about the nature of the actors and the production itself than the fictional characters represented, which ruins most dramatic performance for someone as unfailingly observant as I."

* * *

"Mrs Hudson is in fact played by the real Mrs Hudson. She turned up at the audition, nobody could stop her."

* * *

_Sherlock seizes the A to Z_

"Of course, I would have cracked the book code in a fraction of the time. Their method of decryption was embarrassingly inefficient, it was as if they were deliberately creating legwork for the sake of legwork. Alas, I was greatly preoccupied. My method would also be hard to dramatize, as the episode would have lasted for about as long as the opening credits."

* * *

_"How's the diet?"_

"I'm not sure why there are these endless references to dieting? I want it on record that my lithe figure is entirely natural."

* * *

_"Severed head! In the fridge!"_

"Several concerned members of the public have asked me if Sherlock's kitchen is as disgusting as it is on the small screen. It's worse."

* * *

_Sherlock falls onto his bedroom floor_

"You'll notice in this scene that Sherlock's bedroom is impeccably tidy and bare of clutter, whereas the rest of the flat is a disgrace. This is his character reflected in the set design. When we were children, it was always the living room and the kitchen that looked like an explosion of paper and amoebae, not his own room. He attempted to wreak similar havoc in my room while I was at university, but I outsmarted him by crafting my very own homemade electric fence. Mummy complained about the electricity bills, but it was worth it for the peace of mind."

* * *

"This scene implies that I am unacquainted with Miss Hooper, or uncomfortable in her presence. That is not the case, in fact we have collaborated in government projects, but of course Dr Watson wasn't to know that, and he is the main source for the dramatization."

* * *

_"I'm sorry. I didn't know."_

"Ah, now what the writers have done here is very clear. My character has prominence within the narrative and therefore needs a character arc: to learn and grow and change from the events of the plot. Thus the need to give my character shortcomings and weaknesses. In real life, I have no weaknesses."

* * *

"Ah, the morning Sherlock spent harpooning pigs! I know the full story but I can't tell you, I simply cannot! Suffice to say that he threatened to visit me in that state. For the first and only time in my life, I was cowed."

* * *

_"I don't just do what your brother tells me."_

"Ha! We both know that's not true."

* * *

_"That's what people do, isn't it? Leave a note?"_

"Do excuse me, I suddenly need to leave the room. No no, I have seen this scene before, leave it running."

* * *

_"I'm living in a world of goldfish."_

"And let them eat cake! I said something similar to this in a different context. I actually said: "I'm living in a world of cane toads." This is because, while the goldfish is infamous for its short memory span, the cane toad is so unobservant it will attempt to procreate with anything, be it lizard, snake, or toad, without noticing if the animal in question is even alive. The writers thought the line evocative of my character, but feared the goldfish might not all share my knowledge of the natural world. In a strange case of life imitating art, I have started to use the word 'goldfish' that way."

* * *

"I do have a suit of armour in my gymnasium. I am... not sure how they guessed that... do excuse me I need to make a telephone call..."

* * *

_"Sherlock's secret sister!"_

"Yes...and also no."

* * *

_Mycroft vomits._

"Well acted, but untrue. I have a strong stomach for unpleasant consequences, or I would have a different occupation. Clearly this was invented to make my character more... human, but also to reflect the stakes of the scene. I have a reputation for cold reason and unflappability. Therefore, if my character is distressed the audience assumes the situation must be truly dire. You must spell such things out for them."

* * *

_"What is it on fire?"_

"I'm not sure how it took the costume department four series to put my character in a tuxedo. During the average week, the appointments in my calendar compel me to wear a tuxedo at least twice."

* * *

"If you look very carefully in this scene, you can spot Ammunition Through the Ages, an educational art piece I crafted and gifted my brother for Christmas."

* * *

"I could tell you exactly which parts of BBC Sherlock are real and which are fictional, but then of course I'd have to kill you; and that would be legwork."

**Author's Note:**

> the ammunition through the ages art piece is a reference to the BBC Sherlock Casebook.


End file.
